Poor mom, no wonder you are freaking out!

I have been a blog slacker lately. I don't really have a good excuse, but I do have a very bad one. PINTEREST!

The internet is amazing. And a giant time suck!

Things are OK here in sunny old England (not joking, we actually HAVE had a few sunny days). Nothing major is really happening, which is why I haven't felt the need to blog. A few things have happened, though.

First and foremost, Martin has finished his college course. He is now the proud owner of a City and Guilds level two carpentry and joinery certificate. He also has his silly safety card that he needs in order to work. Now he is sending off resumes and such, in the hope of being gainfully employed ASAP. I'm confident. He actually got an e-mail from a company in New Zealand saying they desperately needed carpenters and pitching the concept of a "working holiday." I told him I'd be perfectly willing to go to NZ for a year--on our way back to the U.S., of course. It would be super fun!

In the meantime, though, Martin has been picking up small jobs here and there. He's loving the work, and the independence it affords him. It's just not quite enough for our family to scrape by on, so hopefully he will soon be suckling at the teat of a large corporation that pays him regularly and gives him steady employment. I'm so tired of being broke!

The kids are both doing well--winding their way toward the end of the school year in late July. They are a constant source of irritation and amusement. Oh, and love. We all went to Martin's 5-a-side football match last night, and Edith reminded me how much fun it is to roll around in the grass and just generally goof off. The kids remind me to enjoy the simple things in life, and I love them for that!

Dylan has started playing with kids from school a lot more, and we are giving him some independence in regards to walking or riding his bike to school on his own. He loves it! The days where he just wants to hang out with mom and dad are almost done, I think, and it feels like the end of an era. Edith won't be far behind him, and then we'll probably wish they wanted to just stay home with us. But we'll always have our Sundays and our Friday night movie nights. I'm glad of that!

We finished reading the Book of Mormon as a family last week. That was a pretty big deal. Now we've started over, and we look forward to reading it again. I'm thinking it may be time for everyone to read two verses every night instead of just one each. The kids are both excellent readers now. Dylan continues to exceed all expectations at school, and Edith is wicked smart as well, just totally dizzy!

I am doing ok. A bit blah, but just fine. I've been giving a lot of massages lately, which is good. Exhausting, but good. The cash for those used to be my "mad money," but lately it has been our grocery money. I still love giving massages, but it does take a lot out of you. I've re-injured my left elbow somehow, and I might need to go back in to the hospital to have another steroid injection into the joint. OUCH! But it works, and it needs doing. And because of the NHS it is free! I am also considering training in sports therapy massage in the fall. I think I would be good at it. And I know I would enjoy it. Especially since a lot of Martin's friends play football, we have a new(ish) friend who plays American football, I have a friend who runs, and Martin knows a lot of baseball people. Pretty rich potential client base! We'll see though.

Oh, and we are considering re-listing our house with a different estate agent. They cost more, but they are a lot more proactive about selling houses. We'll see how that pans out. They have suggested that we try to get legal permission for a parking space before we re-list, as it will potentially increase the value of our home by about £5,000. That's totally worth it, right? We're still trying to move over. Just not really succeeding at the minute.

But life is good. It's plodding on slowly, with very little excitement and drama. The days all blend together in a pleasant haze most of the time. If we do anything exciting, I'll be sure to update this space!

Now mom, get a new phone! PLEASE!

In my defense...

I usually blog during that weird down time I have at work, every afternoon from about 1:30pm to 3:30pm. The cars are all here, the parts are all ordered, and the mechanics are all cracking on with jobs. I get bored. I blog. But, obviously, I haven't been doing that lately.

I have, instead, devoted myself to a different worthy cause. I am researching Martin's family tree. At last, I am getting on board with that whole family history thing. And, surprisingly enough, I am really enjoying it. It's a bit addicting. Hence me never blogging any more.

But still, at least it's not heroin!

Drama...

So yeah, Phil, the guy who took over Stables and fired Martin, has given up on running a business. He's let the restaurant revert back to the original owners. They, in turn, have sold it to someone else. Probably for less money, since Phil essentially ran it into the ground and drove off all the regular customers when he sacked Martin. THAT happened!

The new owners know Martin. And they've asked him if he wants his old job back.

Tempting? Maybe for him!

Gratifying? Oh, ab-so-freaking-lutely!

Martin's mood has really lifted since that conversation happened. And, combined with Winteringham Fields wanting to hire him full time, he is feeling downright buoyant. But my husband knows me well, and has told them that he is finishing his training and getting work as a joiner, or his wife will kill him.

Martin has got some work experience arranged with one of the local builders (church connections are awesome). He's not asked for a job--just the chance for some hands on, unpaid experience. He starts on Monday. And if it should turn into a real job, so much the better. He's caught up to the other guys on his joinery course now, too. So he's only at college two days a week instead of four. That means we have one day a week to ourselves again, and it's GREAT!

I'm going to try and get some pictures posted on here soon. If only my windows phone supported mobile blogging! I got some great pictures on the Easter holiday. We didn't do much, but we DID have a great time. England is starting to get gorgeous again, like it does every spring. I love this country more than words can express in April, May and June!

Happy drugs have officially kicked in, and life is plodding on at a nice pace now. Not enjoying the side effects of the drugs, but loving not being a big ball of rage and paranoia. And happy that my husband is feeling confident again.

I sure do love that man!

Giving in...

I saw a doctor on Monday--one I've never seen before. I went in mostly because I was in the middle of a REALLY bad asthma attack that was illness/stress induced. But I left the office with my inhaler prescriptions, antibiotics, steroids, and fluoxetine.

Yes, I am back on the happy pills. And this time not just for a six month trial period, or a little 3 month pick me up. The doctor wants me on them for at least two years.

I was doing ok. Exercise was enough to keep my mood, if not good then at least, well, stable. But exhaustion has slowly been creeping up on me again. And short temper. And slight hints of paranoia. And the occasional unshakable feeling of dread. Then the guilt. And then, last Friday night, after I dropped the kids off for a sleepover at their beloved Aunty Cathy's house, the almost irresistible urge to drive my car at full speed in front of oncoming traffic. That's when I knew.

It's a scary feeling--that urge to do something that you know your rational mind would never allow. And yet, at the same time, comical. Like those little cartoon devils and angels, sitting on your shoulders and telling you what to do.

I had the same problem after Dylan was born. I was deep down in a pit of antenatal depression, and that little devil would whisper suggestions to me--that I go get a butcher knife when it was the middle of the night and I was sleep deprived with a crying newborn. That I push him and his Mamas and Papas travel system in front of the bus.

Wow, writing this all down makes me feel like even more of a mess...

Bottom line is, I never actually did any of those things. My rational mind was enough to stop me. My moral compass never faltered, even though my weak physical brain did. Does. And crazy is as crazy does. I'm not crazy. I'm just sick. There's a difference.

Anyway, this is all sounding terribly melodramatic. It goes against my strict "no drama" policy. I'm back on antidepressants, and I'm there for the foreseeable future. And I just have to learn to be ok with a (totally legal) drug dependency. But even though I have heard all the arguments--you wouldn't turn down insulin if you were a diabetic, would you?--and I agree with all of them, it doesn't make it any easier to acknowledge that dependency. I don't even like having to use maintenance inhalers for my asthma, let alone a mood altering substance!

But the one thing that scares me most of all is that I will lose it with my kids. I don't mean I worry that I will get angry with them when they have been naughty. I mean snapping over something completely silly. Because my mood is fine if it only affects me. But when I am mean to my kids, it becomes a problem. I adore those little monkey bums. I'd do anything for them. Including take antidepressants for the next 12 years until they both move out.

Already it feels like the meds are working. I am definitely having a physical reaction to them (oh boy, am I ever!). The worst has passed. I am feeling less fragile. And a LOT less like driving my car in front of a big lorry.

Don't worry mom--things are looking up. We really are doing fine. This was just a bit of a wake-up call!

Drama queen...

Big surprise, that would be my darling Edith.

Both children took part in the annual Scunthorpe Speech and Drama Festival last week. They did verse speaking, and I was very proud of both of them. Dylan flubbed a tiny little bit (he started saying the poem before he announced the title and author) but he did just great. Edith was a superstar. She stomped her way up to the podium, got settled in, did the poem (including a funny little voice for part of it), smiled, and flounced back to her seat like she owned the joint. And she did. she took first place in her group. We went to the trophy round on Saturday afternoon, where her very supportive family came to watch, and she did very well. Alas, no trophy. But she was completely adorable. Especially the way she lounged in her chair with her legs crossed like a bored little super model.

So there you have it, mom. An update. Dylan won his round and went to the trophy showcase two years ago. It was just Edith's turn this time.

Things are plodding along in merry ol' England right now. Martin is still doing really well on his college course. He is loving working weekends at Winteringham Fields, too. They are happy with him and would like him to work there full time. Guess what I said to that! But it's been really good for his confidence to have them ask. I think he'll probably pick up a few shifts there, even after he gets a "real" job as a joiner. Just because he is passionate about fine dining. The weirdo!

Dylan has started a parkour/gymnastic fitness club after school on a Friday. He learned to do a forward roll last week, and has been jumping onto walls all over the place. He's really enjoying that. He's also had his tablet taken away for sneaking it into his bed on no-tech day last week. He'll be getting it back on Thursday, and he is really looking forward to that!

Edith, as mentioned above, is my little drama queen. She is looking forward to her birthday in just two weeks' time. We are planning a birthday shopping trip for her--just the two of us. No smelly boys! I still haven't bought her any gifts, but she is really quite easy to shop for. Anything super girly and beauty related, and she's a happy girl!

As for mom. Well, how long have we got? I think the stress of our current situation coupled with the extra shifts this week (my boss is on holiday and I am working all week to cover her) has tipped me over the edge of "ok" with my mental health. I had a really bad weekend, and the week hasn't been much better so far. I think it's going to be back on the happy pills for me. I've been feeling that mounting sense of dread again, and some mild paranoia. Snappish with the kids and Martin, as well. I am tired ALL the time--even when I just slept nine hours and haven't even got out of bed yet. Oh, and did I mention that I pretty much hate myself right now? I feel bad that I will be resorting to pills again, but this is no way to live. I mean, I was bawling my eyes out listening to Pink Floyd on my drive to church, for crying out loud!

(In my defense, it WAS to "Comfortably Numb," which is one of the best songs ever written, IMHO).

We had an offer on the house a few weeks back now. We could have sold it. How crazy is that? We talked about it for what seemed like hours, and decided that the offer was too low. We aren't desperate to sell. We need to make a good profit on the house so that our move back to Utah is (relatively) easy and comfortable, with plenty of start-up capital. So we will wait. And we've had another viewer who is very interested. She just has concerns about the burnt out house next door and is doing research into it before she decides whether to make an offer or not.

I thought I would be more excited when someone made an offer on our place. Instead, I was weirdly sad. Most of my married life has been spent there. My kids were babies there. We've invested so much time and energy on that house. When we finally do sell it to someone else, it will feel almost losing a part of myself.

Still worth it, though!

Valentine's day...

I had thought (for a brief moment) that Martin losing his job might mean we could spend Valentine's day together for the first time in, I don't know, about 8 years. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. He is working weekends at Winteringham Fields, so he was there. I did attempt to get myself all dolled up for him and wait up, but that romantic notion flew out the window at about 12:15am. I changed into comfy pajamas and went to sleep, waking briefly to mutter something about loving him when he woke me up later.

So Martin and I very rarely give each other gifts on V-day. It was very romantic anyway, though. He made me cute little Lucky Stars, which are made of long strips of folded paper. These ones contained a whole bunch of different quotes about love. It was great, because he hid a whole bunch of these tiny little stars (about the size of a quarter) all over the house, so I kept finding them at random times. And I was so impressed by his effort that when he got home from work I had made him chocolate cupcakes with chocolate buttercream icing. Totally home made and actually kind of delicious.

The real highlight of my weekend was Friday night though.

It started out with a splinter removal from Dylan's hand. Always traumatic for the kids when I get out a sterilized needle and a pair of tweezers. Or even just a pair of fingernail clippers, for that matter. But we got the splinter out, and I got the kids tucked up in bed. Then I spent a perfectly delightful half hour tidying up and an even nicer hour playing the piano and singing. But alas, my quiet night in was not meant to be.

Edith started playing up at about nine pm. She had been complaining that her bum really hurt all evening, but she actually woke up and was sitting on the toilet crying. We had a fun little conversation and it turns out that she hadn't pooped for three days. GREAT! Normal for some kids, but not normal for my kids. So I went next door and asked my neighbor to kid sit for twenty minutes while I walked down to Tesco to pick up supplies.

The lady behind me at the checkout bought four bottles of champagne. I bought a bottle of prune juice and some suppositories. I wonder who had a better Friday night...

So an hour later, I sent Edith back up to bed. That's how long it took me to convince her to let me, um, administer the medication. It was an hour that neither one of us will ever forget, either. And almost as delightful was the ongoing conversation about her bowel movements for the next two days.

Most of the time, I still feel like I am just pretending to be a mother. Like any moment the REAL parent will burst in and send me on my way. But parenting got REAL that night.

We've had a really nice week though. the kids have been on their half term break, and SO HAS MARTIN! We've had lazy mornings and a few fun activities. We even had the missionaries over to help us with the big job of digging out borders behind the burnt out house next door (their mission president likes them to spend time serving the members, and we like having young, fit guys come over and help us out). We're going to do some guerrilla gardening there since it is south facing and the perfect place to grow vegetables. I've been at work for two of those days, but we got some intense family time. And the kids are having a sleepover with their nanna tonight, so I am going to go out. Maybe. I might just veg out at home enjoying total control of the television whilst Martin is at work.

Funny how great a quiet night to myself is now that I don't have that 5 nights a week.

So all is good in the Gilbert household. Mostly healthy, all happy, and plodding along. Just hope we don't need any more of those suppositories!

My promise...

When You Are Old
BY WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS
When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

I've been thinking about ageing lately. Mostly because of a massage client of mine who is bedridden. She was very ill and in the hospital for quite a while, and has been at home in bed for over a year now. Every time I give her a massage, I come away feeling a little bit sad. And I think about the possibility of having to care for my own mother.

I know the Yeats wasn't written for a parent, btw. I just really love it, and it fits my melancholy mood.

So here is a little letter for my mommy:

Dear Mom,

I know you are still young and healthy, but I've been thinking about a time when you might not be. And if you are ever bed bound, I promise the following things:

If we are living close enough to each other, I will come over once a week to make sure your fingernails and toenails are in good shape. I will cut your nails, clean underneath them, and buff/paint them if you want me to. I will even file down that funky pinky toenail of yours if it ever grows enough to need some attention.

If we live close enough for that once a week visit, I will also take the opportunity to tweeze any weird beard/moustache hairs that you may develop. Not saying that you WILL become a hirsute old woman, but there's always that chance. And Mom, I am here for you.

If your eyesight gets bad, I will bring over trashy romance novels and read them out loud to you. Even the rude bits. I'm pretty sure that the church ladies will read scriptures to you, but some things just CAN'T be done by your visiting teachers.

I will lotion up your legs if you can't reach them, because dried and scaly legs are just plain uncomfortable.

I will tidy up the house, so you don't have to listen to Dad complaining about the mess. I know he likes it clean, and if you can't do it, I will.

I will also try to cook you a meal for the freezer. Maybe meatloaf, since we both know that mine is better than yours. Just..

If I don't live close to you, I will instead call you at least once, maybe twice a week, so we can gossip about all the family stuff. Especially after big events like baptisms, blessings, weddings and family reunions.

The main thing I promise is that I will think of you often. Because you are my mother, and I love you!

Your favorite daughter,

Jamie

Frivolous...

I feel like I need to make myself a badge. A big, brightly coloured one that I can wear on my coat. One that is unmissable. And what, you may ask, would it say?

"Don't judge me, I'm growing out my eyebrows!"

Yes, I am that superficial.

I've been tweezing my brows ever since freshman year in high school, when I read an article about shaping your eyebrows properly in Seventeen magazine. And I have always had very nice brows, if I do say so myself. Immaculately groomed, carefully darkened, and (usually) pencil thin. But I read an article about how a "strong brow" is now in and some women age themselves by having very thin eyebrows, and I was inspired. I don't want to be like "some women." At least not on the eyebrow front. I mean, I NEVER bought a pair of skinny jeans--just rode that trend out (I hear flared crops are coming in this season). But brows--come on! That's always been my bag, baby!

This growing out process is painful. Well, ok, not really painful as such. But it is prickly and hairy and decidedly untidy. Painful in the sense that I cringe every time I see myself in the mirror.

So mom, you were right after all. I now regret plucking my eyebrows. You said I would all those years ago, and I snorted in derision. Want me to say it again (because I'd want to hear it again if it were me)?

You were right!

Cracking on...

Martin is still jobless, but we have planned it that way.

Martin has wanted to do a joinery course at the college for YEARS! Seriously, we talked about it when Dylan was a newborn. And with this redundancy from Stables, we have decided that it's time for a career change. So Martin is now a full time student, attending classes at The Grimsby Institute four days a week, trying to do a nine month course in just five. So far, he's doing really well. And, best of all, he comes home happy every single day. No more grumpy Martin (except last Sunday, when he was absolutely foul all morning and early afternoon).

So how is this working out financially, you ask? We don't really know. Church is helping some, we have redundancy insurance on our mortgage, our working tax credits are increasing (as long as Martin and I are working a combined total of 24 hours a week), and we are making serious cutbacks to our budget. Last week, I only spent £23.91 on groceries. And we were all very well fed. It's only for five months, so we figure we can live on a shoestring for that long. And Martin will hopefully pick up a few shifts at Winteringham Fields around Valentines' and Mothers' day. Plus, he will be tending bar three nights a week at a local pub starting in March. Combine that with my part time job at Beck Hill (Elaine and Chris, you ROCK!) and my freelance massage business, and we are going to be fine. It'll be tight, but we'll get through it.

I'm a giant ball of stress right now, and that's good AND bad. Good news is, I'm not a stress eater but I AM a stress cleaner. My house is currently very tidy. Bad news is, anger management issues flare up when I'm stressed. And more good news is, Martin and I are seeing more of each other and his time with the kids hasn't decreased much on weekdays and has increased a LOT on weekends. If he can get a job with a local builder when he's finished, this could end up being a VERY good thing for our family.

And did I mention how HAPPY Martin is when he gets home from college every day? And eats dinner with us? EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!!

So even though money is tight and we are stressed out about it, we are doing ok and the kids and I are really enjoying having Martin home. It's nice for them to have a full time dad, and nice for me to have a full time husband, too.

Daily life has been shaken up quite a bit. We are having to make adjustments all around. Thursdays are the most difficult, with me working and Martin at college. We are making arrangements for the kids to walk to school with a neighbor and her daughter, and they are currently going to one of Edith's friend's house after school for an hour until I finish work. Martin is home all day on Fridays so he can sort the kids out. And we are working out a new routine with a later dinner time and so an earlier bath time, etc. Once we get the kinks ironed out, this will be good.

Our old routine was comfortable. We all knew how every day would go, and things ran smoothly. Now it is harder, but we are learning to adjust. Give us a few more weeks, and we'll be doing just fine.

So now you can stop worrying, mom. I've been trying to call, but keep missing you. Oh, and I'm really glad you taught me how to cook and sew and be thrifty. Always useful lessons when the money isn't coming in as freely. So thanks, because we are still going to be wearing neat, tidy clothes and eating hearty and filling meals. Thanks for the life skills!

And hey, once Martin finishes this joinery course, he should be able to earn more money than he was making as a restaurant manager. This could mean a trip to the U.S. to see everybody. Especially if we live the way we currently are AFTER he starts earning a paycheck again.

Eternally optimistic.

Still nothing...

Martin has put it a lot of job applications in the past week, but we've still not got anything concrete. He's being paid for a few more weeks though, and is going to be paid out his leftover holiday pay, which is about a weeks' worth. So we're not too stressed out about it yet. Back Hill Motors has been busy, so my job looks secure enough. It's only two days a week, but it's more than we had last time Martin lost his job.

I hate the catering business. Is it ok to say that? I don't understand why Martin is always drawn back to working in restaurants. And yet it looks as though he could be headed back to Winteringham Fields. If that's where he can get work, we'll manage. But I dread it with every fiber of my being. It almost makes me feel as though Martin doesn't want to spend time with me and the kids. Irrational, I know. But it's still the way I feel.

He came in to my work just now to drop off the car keys (MOT time, ugh!) and he looked really sad. I hate it when Martin is sad. He's normally such a chilled out, optimistic guy. Sure, he had a few setbacks today. But I have confidence in Martin, and I wish he could have that same confidence in himself.

On a positive note, Martin and I knuckled down and did some SERIOUS spring cleaning yesterday. The front room and entrance hallway are immaculate, and we took some new pictures for the estate agent. We have also been talking about work that could be done to increase the desirability of our property. Mostly knocking out the back wall to create some off-road parking. Martin doesn't want to sacrifice our BBQ area, but I think I reasoned him into my way of thinking. Parking has been a major sticking point for some of our potential buyers, and we don't want to wait until we have squatters' rights on the abandoned property next door. It'll take too long!

Anyway, that's the news. Nothing exciting, somewhat stressful, mostly boring.

Sorry, peeps. My life has become dull beyond belief. I don't even have adorable babies to break up the monotony--just slightly (or very, depending on the day) annoying little kids. At least they're good looking.

HUGE January update...

So Christmas was good. Hard work, but still good. Only a few minor meltdowns, and major family drama avoided. Good food, great gifts, lovely family time. And, best of all, no anger management issues for me during the whole of the Christmas break from school. Still, Martin and I were both glad to see them back at Castledyke yesterday!

New Year's Eve was a non-event. Kids were in bed by half past seven, Martin was at work, and I stayed up and watched Dexter on Netflix. Accidentally stayed up until midnight, because I was really into the episode I was watching. Martin got home right before midnight, we had a weird interaction, then kissed, and I went to bed. He stayed up and ate dinner/watched sports. Because we are so romantic and that's the way we roll.

A bit of bad news this morning. Martin has been let go at Stables. We've kind of been expecting it since the new guy bought the business late last year, but it's still stressful and demoralizing. Martin only found out about an hour and a half ago, but he is already job hunting. It could end up being a good thing though, since his hours were horrible and he was kind of looking around anyway. This could be the final push that gets him into a job where we can actually have a social life. We never see anybody!!!

So yeah, other than that, things are good. I have recommitted myself to the gym and am back in full swing there (hey, I'll now be able to work out in the evenings if I want to. AWESOME!). Just finished off week three of the couch to 5K app, and it feels great whilst at the same time kicking my butt. I have already started to notice that I have way more energy. I'm going to do some research into weight training programs--maybe see if there are some good personal trainer apps so I can maximize my efforts at the gym. And maybe Martin and I can start cycling together in the mornings. Hmm...

The kids are growing and thriving. Edith seems to have shot up about 4 inches in the last month, I swear. And her hair is getting really long now. She loves it! Martin wants her to get another pixie cut. She is becoming a really good reader, and is a social animal. She loves playing with her friends, and I think she might be an artistic child. Yay! Dylan is still super smart, of course. He's starting to get really into football, and enjoys collecting Match Attax cards (I hate them!). He's excited to be back at school with all his friends, and has a new teacher. A MAN!

My part time job is going well. Still love the people I work with, and feel really blessed to have this job. Especially now! The house still isn't sold (but Martin is hoping to get some work done on it now that he'll have more free time). Martin is jobless but optimistic. So all in all, we're in a decent place for the start of 2015.

One thing--Dylan is going to be turning eight this year. You know what that means--BAPTISM! We were hoping that we'd be living back in the U.S. by then, but it's not looking likely now. So if any family members would like to come over for his baptism, start saving your pennies now. We'll probably have the baptism on his actual birthday, the 29th of August. Just a heads up.

So there you have it, a Gilbert family update. Keep you posted with the job situation. And now that I'm back at work, expect weekly updates here!

Kisses to all.

Regrets...

My Nana died on the 7th of December, and her funeral was held last Thursday. I couldn't be there.

Krystle had her iPhone with her, and Skyped me during the funeral. Technically very against the rules, and probably a massive drain on her battery, but it was very much appreciated. I got to sit in my dining room and, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, watch my Nana's funeral. It was really beautiful. You know it was a good funeral if you spend a good portion of it laughing, and we did. My Nana was an incredible woman--so full of life and fun and energy. She is remembered fondly by all who knew her. Especially the ones who knew her before Alzheimer's took it's toll.

Part of me is glad that I wasn't there more often. I didn't have to see her slowly fading away. In my mind, Nana will always be young(ish) and healthy. Still a feisty ball of energy with a can-do attitude and no patience for foolishness. I loved that woman so much!

Probably the hardest part of not getting to attend the funeral, other than not being able to be with the rest of the family, was not seeing her body. I know that sounds strange and a bit macabre, but I really wish I could have attended a viewing. Because I wasn't there, I never saw her in the coffin. So in a very real sense, it hasn't sunk in yet that she's gone. Actually being there would have given me a sense of closure.

My heart goes out to my Grandpa, and to my dad and uncles. Nana and Grandpa were married for 65 years (I think--give or take a few months), and they haven't been apart for very much of that time. Certainly not in the past 5 years or so. Grandpa must be missing her terribly. They were always such a perfect couple. They complemented each other in so many ways. And I remember how hard it was for my mom when her dad died, and can only imagine what my dad must be going through at this time.

And so, once again, I have missed a big family event--something I should have been there for, and missed because we are stuck in England. I knew Nana wasn't well, and I wanted with all my heart to be back in Utah by now. If things had worked out according to plan, I would have been there!

I love England. I love living here, and I adore my friends and family here. But I should have been home. I belong over there, not here. And that is always my biggest regret.

I also missed a birthday--just yesterday. ShaNeil got one step closer to the big 3-0. Still not there yet, but not long now! I remember the day she was born. It was a Thursday (early day at the elementary school). We got home from school, and Nana and Grandpa were there. They told us we had a sister, and drove us up to the Payson hospital to meet her and brought us home. And although I was never that interested in babies (some things never change), I think my baby sister is totally amazing! A wonderful wife, mother, daughter, and especially a wonderful sister.

It's all about family right now, and how badly I wish I could be with them. All of them! The Cooks, the Bowcutts, and the Lofleys. Somebody really needs to come over and visit!

Barring that, somebody really needs to buy my bloomin' house already!

Life isn't measured in dates...

For me, life is measured in events. Like the Barton Christmas fair, which we attended on Saturday. And baby seal season at Donna Nook, and the Lincoln Christmas market, the first snowdrops of the year, the rhododendron blooming at Twigmoor Woods, the plums being ripe at the Humber Bridge viewing area. These are the events that I measure our time by. And so, another year has passed since the last Barton Christmas fair.

It's becoming tradition to browse the stalls, buy the kids a small treat (for Dylan, a new hat--for Edith, a bag of cotton candy), let them play in the fun house whilst I enjoy my annual bag of roasted chestnuts, let the kids eat some chestnuts and wait for Edith to declare that she STILL doesn't like them, visit Martin at work for 5 minutes, then go home for a late dinner and bed.

Sadly, I feel like we've missed some of the milestones this year. Don't get me wrong, they still happened. but I haven't had the energy to go out and experience them. We never went to Twigmoor Woods this year. It's been several years since we saw the baby seals. I know it's early for New Year's resolutions, but one of mine will definitely be to go out and experience life, even if I feel too tired to do it. Suck it up, buttercup will be my new motto.

Plus, I've started running again. That should help with the energy levels. and maybe I'll start hitting the tanning beds twice a week or so. Tis' the season for SAD!

November and December in England are absolutely BRUTAL!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Another Thanksgiving, another year in England.

This year, I didn't try to make my UK family celebrate it on the day with me. I was working, and my book club ladies were supposed to be coming over in the evening, so I decided to schedule our Thanksgiving celebration for Sunday evening. Easier for everybody, really.

So my Thanksgiving was spent at Beck Hill Motors, and our evening meal was vegetarian chili. Though I did treat myself to some Haagen Daz (pralines n cream. Divine!). And tomorrow I will be baking and peeling like crazy. It's going to be fun.

I didn't really reflect on my blessings and the many things I am grateful for. Instead, I was a giant stressball and my kids were being very unhelpful. So I told them off and made Dylan cry. But, in my defense, he WAS embarrassing me in front of company, and I absolutely WAS disappointed in him. It goes for both of them, but more so for Dylan. He's older, and I expect better.

But tonight is movie night, and I think we are all looking forward to snuggles and popcorn. Oh, and an extremely easy dinner of chicken nuggets and oven chips. Plus, I have decided that I'm not going to bother cleaning the house until they go to bed. It's how I used to do the housework when they were little, and I can still do it now. I don't like it, but it's ok. It will probably make me less likely to make my kids cry. And I can listen to any music I want once they are in bed--no stressing about any swear words!

Anyway, time to make my grocery shopping list. Let the Thanksgiving day preparations begin!

Milestone...

I remember what a huge deal it was when Dylan got his first tooth. It seems like only yesterday.

Well, this afternoon he lost his first tooth. We were having some lunch when he told me it was loose, and twenty minutes later (as we walked around Matalan looking at church shirts) it was in his hand.

I have to say, there was considerably less drama with him losing it than there was when the first one came in!

Though it pains me to say this, I ALMOST wish I could stop the clock and keep my babies just a little bit longer. They are practically disappearing right before my eyes.

Tooth fairy duty tonight. This is almost as much fun as his first Christmas.

Happy (early) Halloween...

The kids are going to Castledyke School's Halloween disco tonight. They normally hold it a lot closer to Halloween, but they will be on their half term break next week. So tonight Edith will be dressing as a witch and Dylan will be a zipper faced ninja. Fun, huh?

They are both excited to go to the disco. Last year, Edith won the prize for best costume as the Corpse Bride. They love getting dressed up, and they love to dance. I really just want this night to be over already.

I am at work right now, and when I get home I have to get the kids ready, feed them dinner, and get them over to the dance by 6pm. Oh, and Amy will be there for dinner as well. Then I will need to pack bags for them to go to the caravan with their grandparents for 3 nights, and pack bags for Martin and myself to go to London for the weekend. We will be attending a costume party down there, so the packing is going to be involved. Then I will be back at work tomorrow morning and working until 3pm. After which we will drive over to the caravan sight in Yorkshire and then head down to London. I'm already exhausted!

Things are going well here, though the year is flying by far too quickly for my liking. I have missed all the apples and pears this year. It seems as though they were nearly ripe one morning and falling from the trees the next. I wish I'd made some applesauce or something. But hey ho, it is what it is. Christmas will be upon us before we know it. And I haven't even made my Christmas pudding yet!

Martin has a new boss at work. Chris and Danny sold the business to a man called Phil. Jury's still out on this development. Could be good, could be a disaster. It's still early days. But Martin is at a work related golf tournament today, so he's a happy man for the time being. Green King Brewery, I think. Last year he golfed at their event with our brother-in-law John, and they won. Fingers crossed for this year!

I have been busy doing all sorts of crafty things. Most recently, I made Edith a black crocheted witch's fascinator and fingerless gloves for her Halloween costume. They look amazing. I've also been re-making my living room rug (for the third time!) and sewing a long ivory cloak for an angel costume. Lots of fun crafts going on!

Edith came home with a student of the week award last week. Apparently, she was in charge of supervising an art project in her class, and she did a great job. That doesn't surprise me. She is a very assertive young lady!

Dylan got a gold award for number bonds in maths. He continues to excel in maths and science, and so far he still wants to be a scientist when he grows up. I know that he will be more than capable of that!

Unfortunately, my genius children woke me up at 5am today, after I stayed up until 1am working on Edith's Halloween costume. So I am going to stop typing before I fall asleep at my desk, and get some work done.

PS Watch Facebook or Instagram for photos of the kids in their costumes!

Let's get physical...

I am at work today, but I still went to the gym. Packed a bag last night so I could get ready for work there. Then I rode my bike to work after I got home, and rode it home and back for my lunch break. I'll be cycling home as well, obviously. It's amazing, how something as exhausting as exercise can give you so much more energy than you normally have.

Been struggling to go to the gym lately. Before I got my job, I was going four or five times a week. Lately it's been more like one or two. Mostly because I ALWAYS exercised on Thursdays and Fridays. Now, well, I'm sitting on my bum at work drinking peppermint tea and thinking about how hungry I am. Body is suffering for it!

Oh well--I have renewed my dedication to the gym. Moving forward...

My baby brother has officially gone on his mission. Well, he's gone into the MTC. He ought to be in Brazil by now, but he is still waiting for his visa. Poor kid! He sent his first e-mail home earlier this week. My mom e-mailed all of us a copy of their messages, and it was adorable. I especially liked the part where he told my mother that if she kept checking his e-mails, he would have to change the password!

Wow, I'm glad we didn't have e-mail, facebook, instagram, etc. when I was growing up. Seriously, my mom would have been snooping on ALL of it (deny it if you can, Sharlene)!

Martin keeps working away at the top bedroom in our house, getting ready to move the kids into it. The wardrobes and built in bookshelves are nearly finished. He built the window seat last night. It's looking really good, and I am excited for the kids to move up into their new and improved bedroom.

I have been using this DIY time to refinish some furniture. We got given some lovely solid wood bedroom furniture, but it had been painted cream with big lilac polka dots. I didn't have the time to do much with it, so I went for a quick fix and painted it all black. It looked good the way it was in the top bedroom, but it's all changing now. So I have been up there with a heat gun and a paint scraper, working my guts out. I have almost finished stripping all the paint off the wardrobe. Then I am going to sand it down a bit and wax it. Because of all the other paint on it, the wardrobe now has a very vintage shabby chic look that would be almost impossible to fake. It's going to be really gorgeous when I'm finished. Now I just need to decide where it's going to live once it's all restored. And then, of course, I will need to move on to the dresser and the night stand.

Dylan has signed up for an after school football club. He's not a very good player, but he's having a great time. He's never been exceptionally coordinated, to be honest. He was super slow to crawl and even slower to walk. He's not very brave about trying new physical activities. It took him ages to learn how to ride a bike with no stabilisers. Yesterday he was trying to run with Edith's skipping rope, and failing miserably. Bless him, he is all about the brain!

Edith has signed up for a multi-sport after school club (different night than Dylan's, unfortunately). She is loving that, as well. And with each kid gone a different afternoon every week, it gives Martin and me a chance to spend one-on-one time with each of them. She is still loving to help out. She is also sucking on her hair almost constantly, and talking like a baby as well. It is a constant battle to get her hair out of her mouth, and I have threatened on many occasions to just have it all cut off if she can't stop doing it. Seriously, driving me crazy!

We are all doing well though. Staying really busy and trying to get the house ready for possible auction in February. Fingers crossed that it works out soon, because we are getting anxious to move back to Utah so we can be with our friends and family there.

Now excuse me while I take a quick nap at my desk. This lady is exhausted!!!

Workin' nine to five...

No, not a post about Dolly Parton (though I LOVE her!).

As per usual, it is all about me. Or, more specifically, my job.

My lovely boss, Elaine, has been on holiday in Tunisia, so I worked 4 days last week instead of 2. Unfortunately for her, she came home with a tummy bug as a souvenir. So I have ended up working this week as well. I have worked six out of the last nine days, and momma isn't used to this much office time.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread and sadness that I haven't felt since I first started working outside the home. I haven't been able to drop the kids off at school. I haven't been there when they got home. I haven't prepared their evening meals. I haven't exchanged gossip with the other mums on the school run. I haven't had a single day to myself to crack on with housework or extra DIY projects. I haven't been able to go to the gym. And I am going to be back at work on Thursday and Friday.

Today is going to be especially manic. I will be taking an extra long lunch break so I can drive to Scunthorpe and give a massage. It was supposed to be yesterday, until I got called in to work. I told Elaine I could only work today if I could work around my regular massage client. So I will be grabbing a burger on my way home and coming back to man the desk here. And then going home and trying to squeeze in that whole parenting thing.

I don't know how all those working mothers do it. Seriously, it's only been nine days and I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends. This is one intense juggling act!

But the extra money will be nice, and I am hopefully saving all of the Beck Hill Motors employees from exposure to weird Tunisian germs. And then next week, things should be back to normal.

I only hope it doesn't take too long to catch up on the housework. ARGH!

philosophy

Lucky thirteen!

Thirteen years ago yesterday, I was lucky enough to marry the coolest guy I knew. And guess what--he is still the coolest guy I know.

Seriously, I am still so madly in love with my husband. He's gorgeous, hard working, talented, caring, affectionate, creative, kind, intelligent, and very generous. He even thinks he's funny!

I never could have imagined all those years ago how I feel about him now. I thought I loved him then, but I have discovered a depth of feeling I never knew I was capable of. Martin has helped me learn and grow as a person. He has helped me become more patient and loving. He has given me children. He has supported us all. He has continued to love me through some very tough times. I am truly blessed to be called Mrs. Gilbert!

My dad insisted he was only marrying me for the green card. Martin and I still laugh about that. Thirteen years is a long time to work for an immigrant visa!

Sadly, we didn't get to see much of each other yesterday. My boss is in Tunisia so I am working four days this week instead of my usual two. But we did go out on a date on Saturday night. The kids had a sleepover with their Nanna, and we watched "The Giver" and ate delicious Turkish food (oh, I forgot to mention that Martin has expanded my culinary horizons!). The best part of our anniversary date is that we never ran out of things to talk about. And we hardly talked about the kids at all.

Ever watch Monty Python's "Meaning of Life"? There is a scene where a middle aged couple is having dinner in an authentic Medieval dungeon and they order a conversation. Watch the video above...

Luckily, our conversations don't go like that.

Yet!

Anyway, I love you Martin, Here's to another thirteen years...