Here's the thing...

If a year from now it turns out I was wrong to believe the science and the advice of experts, what have I lost? So I spent a few months living like a hermit and planting a garden, and I looked like a fool with a jock strap on my chin when I did the grocery shopping. If you were wrong, you may have passed on a virus that killed somebody. All things being equal, I know which one I'd rather be.

Just a typical day during soccer season...

Yesterday was pretty crazy. Dylan went to visit his girlfriend (yes, girlfriend) over in Ephraim. Elizabeth's older sister came and got Dylan in the morning, and we picked him up in the afternoon. I got up early to give Dylan a haircut (he wanted to look cute for his girlfriend), since I am my family's official Covid-19 hairdresser. I've cut everyone's hair but my own. So Edith and I had a very lazy day, but things got crazy around 2.30pm. I picked up some paperwork from Krystle's office since we don't have a printer, then dropped it off at the hospital for our doctor to sign. Then it was back home to pick up Edith and Martin. We drove to Ephraim to get Dylan, rushed back to Nephi to pick up one of Martin's soccer players, and drove to Spanish Fork for a Shooters game. Since we had a non-family member in the car, we drove there and back with masks on. It kind of sucked, but that's the only way I'll let a stranger ride in our car. The game was fun. The girls played well, and we beat the other team 3-1. Edith is such a joy to watch. She gets really stuck in, and can reach so far with those long, long legs of hers. I'm not thrilled that Martin is coaching two teams, but it'll be good once the kids are in high school. They'll be better players for it. Anyway, after the game, it was a quick drive home to drop Lilly off and get Martin kitted out to play in his game. He went to play, and I took the kids to grab some dinner. Edith ate her dinner at his game, but Dylan and I ate at home. Soccer season is so consuming. We have Cook Camp this weekend, but Martin and the kids are going to miss almost all of it because of the autumn friendlies. I'm pretty angry about that, but feel like my hands are tied. Between Martin's two teams and Dylan's team, we have six games to go to on Saturday. I"m not planning on going right now, but we'll see. The thought of 30+ people congregating for a full weekend kind of fills me with anxiety already, so I may use the games as an excuse for some alone time in the car. We'll see. It's only going to get busier, but we had so many months of doing nothing that I almost don't mind. Sheltering in place was hard!

My hands are shaking as I type this...

I just got back from dinner at my sister's house. My awesome brother in law made too much curry (as if there IS such a thing) and he invited us up. The meal was amazing, but the news was not. A couple she works with have an active COVID-19 in the house. They've carried on as usual, going to work every day, cheerfully not wearing masks. I am furious. If Blaine gets Covid, he will probably die. It sounds so terrible, to spit it out so baldly like that. But truth hurts. So does knowing that your irresponsibility killed someone. I hope he doesn't get sick, because it would be terrible to know that someone died because you couldn't be bothered to stay home for a few weeks.

A change is as good as a rest

So they say, and they are right. Today we went to Sugar House to visit with some friends, Mike and Dani. We had a very responsible, small, outdoor gathering. Mike grilled burgers and made mojitos (virgin for us). It was a lovely get together. We were able to forget that things are crazy for a little while. As we were leaving, I got to vent a little bit to Dani about my frustrations regarding mask wearing. I got a little overwhelmed, and I started to cry. She hugged me, and though I know it wasn't the smartest thing to do, it was so necessary. Life right now seems to be a balancing act. I'm carefully walking a fine line between physical and mental health. I'm teetering between keeping the kids active and happy and mitigating risk. Everything is more complicated, and it's starting to take its toll. Even on the days when I seem ok, this miasma of darkness is simmering just below the surface. Sometimes things actually are ok. Yesterday I made a batch of chokecherry jam from the trees on our property. It was hot and sweaty work, but I was so pleased with the results. When we go swimming in Burraston ponds, I have hours at a time when all is well. Card games or Guitar Hero with the family make me so happy. Any time we spend with friends or family (or family who are best friends)brings me real joy. And the vegetable garden...oh, the vegetable garden! But they don't sink deep enough to break up the gloom. Eventually, reality comes crashing back. The distractions are too few and far between. I think I need to schedule things to get a ripple effect going. And i definitely need more hugs.

To mask or not to mask, that is the question.

Except it's not really a question.

When stuff first started to look really bad for the U.S. in regards to Covid-19, the CDC and NIAID told regular Joes to not wear masks, because there was a serious shortage of PPI for people working in hospitals and treating Covid patients. You know, because most of the stuff came from China and they were basically on a lock down and nothing was getting shipped overseas. But as the supply line was fixed and as we learned more about the virus, we've been told to mask up.

The science and the anecdotal evidence backs it up. Covid spreads via respiratory droplets being expelled by an infected person and inhaled by a healthy person. Wearing a simple cloth mask contains most of the droplets, thus reducing the spread of infection. So everybody should wear one, right?

Apparently not.

Martin has been wearing a mask to work every day since the CDC officially recommended it. He hates it, but he does it. In fact, he's been doing it for so long now that he doesn't even hate it any more. It's just a minor inconvenience, and it keeps me from harassing and begging him to grow a beard. That must be nice for him.

I basically didn't set foot off my property for the better part of three months, nor did my kids. But since we started venturing out, we always mask up if we're going indoors. We're more chill in outdoor settings, because recirculated air is a bigger problem than outside, especially if you can't "socially distance."

I'm part of the 1-2% of people who will potentially have major problems (up to and including death) if I get Covid. But the thing is, wearing the mask does little to no good for me. If I want to be protected, the people around me have to wear the mask. And they freaking won't!

The government has said we should (though President Trump refused to wear one up until last weekend). The WHO, CDC, NIAID, and various other scientific research groups have said we should. In Utah, even the Area Presidency have asked us to wear a mask. And yet people are refusing. They're saying that mandating masks is infringing on their freedom. They're listening to, watching, and quoting alt-right conspiracy theorists about the so called "dangers" of wearing masks. They are saying it's too uncomfortable, they hate it, they're even throwing out the old pro-choice slogan, "My body, my choice."

I could die from this disease. I'm 41 years old. My kids are not quite 13 and 11. I'm generally healthy, but have had asthma since birth. And apparently, my "friends" neighbors think it's ok for me to die because they suffer from some claustrophobia if they cover their mouths and noses with a little strip of fabric?

People are saying that those of us who wear masks are "living in fear," to which I say OF COURSE I'M LIVING IN FEAR! I am not a germaphobe, nor am I afraid of life. What I am afraid of is dying at the age of 41. Of not being around to see my son go on his first real date. Of not being there to help my daughter when she gets her first period. Of missing out on fully half my life because someone didn't want to be "controlled" by a government agency, so they breathed their asymptomatic germs into my face and sentenced my family to a life without me. Show me one single person who isn't afraid to die this young. I dare you!

Obviously, this is a sensitive subject for me. I get really emotional about it. And I recognize the fear of those who think they are being controlled. I recognize it, because I've felt that deep dread low in the pit of my stomach ever since the schools were shut and the governor urged everyone to "shelter in place." I don't want anyone else to feel that way, ever. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But now they are insisting that if you are immunocompromised or high risk, you should just stay home. To which I say, I've stayed home for the better part of six months, because we didn't understand the virus. Now we sort of do, and if everyone wears a mask while out in public, I can safely leave my house for the first time since January. I've done my time. So if you can't wear a mask, how about YOU be the one to just stay at home. It's your turn now.

The one that I'm struggling with the most right now is the Church request. They sent out a letter almost two weeks ago now, asking that all members in the Utah area wear masks indoors and outside in public when social distancing isn't possible. When they sent the letter out, I literally cried tears of joy. It was the answer to a prayer. Finally, our religious leaders were going to encourage the members to be kind and decent and do the "Christian" thing to help each other. But the members have lashed out, been disgusted, rolled their eyes, said the church was turning into a "communist" church so they'd have to leave now, and said they won't be controlled. This from people who don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have premarital sex, AND give up 10% of their income. The Church LITERALLY controls everything they do. But this one step, covering your face when you go out in public until virus rates fall dramatically for the sake of the elderly and immunocompromised, THIS is the one that gets you?

I've had times when my beliefs have wavered. I've had times when I stepped away from my faith. But I've always come home to my religion because it is just that--coming home. And I believe the things the Church teaches. I will never leave because of the doctrines, the rules, the slightly strange things we do, the amateur and unpaid clergy and teachers. I will never leave over tithing, or the Word of Wisdom. I never left over three hour church. But right now, the lack of love and kindness and consideration of the members is making me rethink everything.

I'm holding on out of sheer stubbornness right now, but my grip is starting to slip.

Sometimes, the sadness is a relief. At least my tears wash away some of the anger and bitterness.

So the whole world has turned into a gigantic dumpster fire...

...but I feel fine?!

J/K. Not fine at all.

So for posterity's sake, we are currently in the middle of a global pandemic-Covid-19. It first showed in in the Wuhan province in China, but quickly spread throughout the whole world. The U.S. was slow to respond, due in large part to our president, good old Donald J Trump, and things have been completely mental since, oh, maybe late February. Check the date. It's mid July as I write this.

The kids have been out of school since the 13th of March, with distance learning happening until late May. The unemployment rate in this country has more than tripled. There's been a government stimulus payment of $1200 per adult for every American. Huge metropolitan areas have been shut down for months. The current death toll in the U.S. is 141,000. We currently make up 4% of the world's population, but have around 25% of the world's cases.

Covid-19 is a respiratory illness, so my asthma puts me in a high risk category for serious complications or death, so I've basically been a hermit since the end of January. I think I might have already had it back in January, when I got really sick and my doctor told me to self quarantine. Back then, we weren't really sure how the virus worked and didn't have any good tests for it, but antibodies don't always form so a test would be unreliable at this point.

So there have been protests by people who think the virus is a hoax planned to ruin Trump's chances of reelection. There have been protests about widespread closure of businesses. There have been protests about wearing masks. People have just been fighting like crazy.

Add to that mix the death of George Floyd, a black man essentially murdered by cops who were trying to arrest him for allegedly writing a bad check (they kneeled on his neck for nearly nine minutes, yo! It was really hard to watch), and the Black Lives Matter movement basically exploded with righteous anger. So rioting happened, unidentified military people have been removing protesters from the streets of Portland, Oregon and Seattle, Washington (I think). People have been fighting about the BLM stuff. People have been blaming a non-existent terror organization (Antifa) for the rioting. People have been fighting about defunding the police.

Sensing a theme here? People are fighting. All. The. Time.

So welcome back, blog. I need to express my thoughts right now, but in a format where I won't fight with people. My emotions are barely under control, I'm a hot mess, super anxious, depressed, you name it. So I need to write it all down and purge my system so I can stay friends with people and maintain my sanity.

Now that the catch up is complete (sort of), I can start writing about my feelings. Another night. But soon, because my usual space for self expression has been hijacked by angry trolls.

It feels good to be writing again!