Letting go...

I took the kids to the Butts Road park yesterday. We had a little picnic, picked and ate some of the first blackberries of the season, and they played on the swings and slide.

It was such a beautiful day. The sun was shining, but the park was shady and cool. The kids were playing together without fighting, and having a wonderful time. I was sitting on a swing, just watching them play, when all of a sudden I felt the urge to actually do some swinging.

I felt like a kid in the schoolyard again--pumping myself back and forth on that hard plastic seat, hands gripping the chains. I kept going higher and higher, then I closed my eyes, leaned back, and just let myself go.

It was one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had. That brief 30 seconds when I didn't have a care in the world. I wasn't trying to control anyone or anything--not even myself. I released all my stress and all my worries, and I felt completely free.

Today was my last session with Will, the awesome Scottish therapist. It was a really good one. We talked about my insight on the swings yesterday, and the fact that I now realize my anger and stress are triggered by my need for control. I must be in control of all things in my life at all times, and when I don't have that control, I freak out. I lash out. I get angry with my children when I can't control their behavior. But I'm starting to realize that I don't NEED to control their behavior. I just need to teach them the proper way to behave, stand by to make sure the lessons are being absorbed, and step in when necessary to make minor corrections.

We discussed the source of my control issues.

It's not something that I'm ready to blog about yet, but I think I may get there eventually. It's something that's shaped everything about the grown-up me. It's got me a referral for trauma counselling. Nearly sixteen years after the fact, but still...better late than never, right?

I feel like I'm finally on the path to becoming whole and happy and healthy.

That's not to say that I am unhappy, because I'm not. I have a wonderful husband, whom I adore. He loves me, too. We have two beautiful children. We have a comfortable existence. I have wonderful friends and an extended family that can't be beat. I'm happy, and incredibly blessed.

Whole and healthy, though. Hmmm, that's another matter.

But I've reached a point where I want the whole package. Just happy isn't enough. I want to be rid of my dissociation and demons. My control issues and coping mechanisms. I want to be authentic and unfettered and free.

To feel the way I felt on the swings yesterday, to have that all the time, would be the most incredible blessing of all.

Hooray for therapy.

And, as Martin said today, "Thank goodness we don't have to pay for this!"