Necessary

Remember last December when Dylan cut all of Edith's hair off? Remember how sad and angry I was?

Well, that girl had developed a bad habit of twirling her hair. She twirls it into knots, then pulls out big clumps of hair. She has given herself quite a few bald spots, and her scalp was showing through like crazy. We've tried everything to get her to stop, without success. So this evening I took her to CV Day Spa and requested a pixie cut.

It's VERY cute!

When did it happen?

When did I actually start to care what other people thought about me?

I remember being 17 and not caring at all.

I remember being 21 and caring even less than I had before.

I remember being 25 and not really noticing.

Now, I think about it all the time.

What's happened to me?

I worry all the time. Is my hair colour too brassy? Does it make me look cheap? Am I too old for cats' eye black eyeliner? Does it still look fun and retro, or do I just look like an old tart? Are my kids behaving, or are they making me look like an inept parent? What does HE think? What does SHE think? What do THEY think?

When did all of those questions start to matter more than this one:

WHAT DO I THINK?

If I like the colour I dye my hair, who cares if it's bright and brassy? If I like my makeup and it makes me feel sexy, does it matter if it makes me look a little bit old and sad? If I know I'm doing the best I can raising my kids, does it really matter if they occasionally misbehave? After all, that doesn't mean I'm a bad parent.

I'm so tired of trying to be who I think I ought to be. It's exhausting, and the cracks are really starting to show. But I've been working towards some imaginary ideal for so long that it has started to feel like what I actually want. Now I don't know who I really am, or who I really want to be. What I want to do and be.

How do you rediscover that at the age of 34? Surely I should have sorted that in my teens or early twenties...

Introspection isn't always a good thing. Maybe I should wake my kids up so I can focus on them instead :)

Chillin' with my girl...

Edith and I are currently engaged in the vital task of holding the sofa down and keeping British Gas in business. We are snuggling under a Thomas the Tank Engine fleece and watching CBeebies. Oh, and it's snowing outside. Bliss!

I love my afternoons with Edith. I'm going to be a little bit sad when she starts full days at school in September. We have so much fun watching telly, cooking dinner, snuggling, and going shopping together. What will I do without my little afternoon buddy? Probably get a job. Urgh!

It seems we may have turned a corner with our little family. Yesterday at church, both kids were (relatively) quiet all through Sacrament meeting and I actually got to listen to all the talks. And, more amazingly, the talks were all good! Church is starting to be enjoyable again instead of just hard work.

I also have a new calling. Did I already mention that? I'm teaching the 14-18 year old youth Sunday School class. I really love teaching that class, because the students are such fun to be around. I leave there with so much energy it's unreal. I'm still teaching Relief Society once a month as well, which I also love. All in all, I'm feeling pretty jazzed about church at the moment. It makes a nice change.

Saturday was a hard day. The kind of day that would have levelled me before I was on my happy drugs (hooray for Prozac). But it ended very well, with a big snuggle and a long talk about how much I loved Dylan and Edith and they made me happy. The real saving grace of the day though was the "Stuff You Should Know" podcast on my phone. And the free creche at IKEA, of course, which gave me an hour to myself. Bless you, IKEA!

Martin is whisking me away to London for my birthday this weekend. The kids are going to stay at their Nanna and Grandad's house. I can hardly wait for Friday. Seriously, SO excited. We're going to get some cheap seats to a West End show and go to the National Gallery--you know, pretend to be cultured and stuff. I always look forward to time alone with my husband. I love that man to distraction.

I'd better go find the snow shovel--just in case. Wow, it's really coming down out there. Hot chocolate may be in order :)

Man, isn't my life so hard?

He's been replaced...

The kids don't like to hold hands with each other when we say our family prayers. Not a problem when Martin is home, because they each hold one of our hands. Unfortunately, he's at work five nights a week.

So tonight I suggested we let a teddy bear take Daddy's place in the circle. It worked brilliantly, but Dylan said the following during his prayer:

"Thank you for helping us find someone to take Daddy's place when he's at work."

Poor Martin, replaced by a stuffed toy!

We've had a lovely Christmas break, and Dylan's back at school tomorrow. Edith goes back on Thursday. We've all been sick over the last few weeks, but had a great time anyway. The best part of it was sleeping in 6 days a week. No major incidents, good times had by all.

Sigh...

Back to early mornings tomorrow, but back to mornings free with my husband. Bitter sweet!

Sunflower Fairy Edith

New dress-up clothes for our little madamoiselle :)

Christmas holidays...

Christmas day pictures...

Martin on Christmas day...

Me on Christmas day (that's my foot! It's the only part of me that made it into any photos that day.)

Christmas photos...