When did it happen?

When did I actually start to care what other people thought about me?

I remember being 17 and not caring at all.

I remember being 21 and caring even less than I had before.

I remember being 25 and not really noticing.

Now, I think about it all the time.

What's happened to me?

I worry all the time. Is my hair colour too brassy? Does it make me look cheap? Am I too old for cats' eye black eyeliner? Does it still look fun and retro, or do I just look like an old tart? Are my kids behaving, or are they making me look like an inept parent? What does HE think? What does SHE think? What do THEY think?

When did all of those questions start to matter more than this one:

WHAT DO I THINK?

If I like the colour I dye my hair, who cares if it's bright and brassy? If I like my makeup and it makes me feel sexy, does it matter if it makes me look a little bit old and sad? If I know I'm doing the best I can raising my kids, does it really matter if they occasionally misbehave? After all, that doesn't mean I'm a bad parent.

I'm so tired of trying to be who I think I ought to be. It's exhausting, and the cracks are really starting to show. But I've been working towards some imaginary ideal for so long that it has started to feel like what I actually want. Now I don't know who I really am, or who I really want to be. What I want to do and be.

How do you rediscover that at the age of 34? Surely I should have sorted that in my teens or early twenties...

Introspection isn't always a good thing. Maybe I should wake my kids up so I can focus on them instead :)