Not just a river in Egypt...

I am in serious denial!

This move back to the U.S. is looming ever closer, and it still seems completely unreal to me. Every time I think about it, I start to feel completely sick to my stomach, so I have chosen to just not think about it. Mistake! Because when I eventually am forced to think about it, I freak out and wind up stewing.

The latest freak out has been on behalf of my kids. I've been worried about how they will deal with the adjustment to school in Utah. It's so different from school over here. Not necessarily in a bad way, but kind of in a bad way. UK primary schools are set up so that the kids all progress at their own pace. Each subject is divided into sets, with the higher achievers all working together at an advanced pace and the slower learners hanging back and spending more time on the fundamentals of a particular concept. That's why Dylan is only in year five, but is already doing year six level maths. US elementary schools seem to bee more aimed at a middle of the road approach, and I'm not sure how my smarty pants kids will cope with that. Added to the fact that they basically started going to primary school two years before US kids do. Will they be bored out of their minds? Or will they struggle because things are taught in a different way and fall behind because the subjects aren't taught in such an individual way?

I'm also concerned about how they will do socially. Well, not so much about Edith. She is a social animal who gets on well with everybody but isn't worried about their opinions. She's basically a Regina George in the making. Dylan gets on well with everybody as well, but he is such a sensitive soul. I'm worried that he won't fit in and will be picked on. That would destroy him. If it happened to Edith, she would just think it was their problem, brush it off, and move on.

They both have friends here--friends that they've had since they were tiny. Does pulling them away from that make me a bad parent? A selfish parent? Am I going to ruin their lives?

This is why I wanted to move back before they started school!

Another, more mundane, concern is the housing situation. I am used to a certain amount of charm in my environment. Right now we live in a quaint little historic market town, in a modest but historic Victorian row house (oh how I miss my Georgian townhouse!). The streets are narrow and quite often include cobblestones. The houses are historic and made of local red brick. There's so much green! Every time we look at property for sale in Utah, it seems to be hideous 1970's ranch style houses on streets a mile wide so it's all concrete and no green. Ugh! And have I mentioned the plethora of wood paneling and terrible kitchens? It makes me want to cry.

Oh, and we will have to get rid of most of our stuff again. That's a panic attack just waiting to happen!

I've discussed this with a few people, but it's weighing on my mind. We're basically starting over for the second time. If we were staying in England, selling our house would mean buying a nicer house. We'd be paying professionals to do it up. We'd be getting new furniture, as well. Instead, moving back to Utah means we will only be able to afford a starter home. And we have almost no furniture. The work we do to the place will have to be almost entirely DIY. It's kind of soul destroying to think about.

Sheesh, this is a negative post. I'm sorry about that. Just needed to get it off my chest before it overwhelmed me. Next time I will write about the things that make me happy about moving back. I'm sensing a top ten list coming on. Or maybe even a pros and cons list.

Regardless, this move is happening.

It seems like parenting is 100% about worrying all the time!