Two women are responsible for my gym-freakishness, in an indirect sort of way.
I know this is going to sound slightly neurotic, but we all need to let our crazy out every once in a while, right? Here we go...
One of my neighbor's partner left her. Well, her and her two 13 month old twins. Just came home from work one Friday night, said he wasn't happy any more, packed a suitcase, and left. She didn't hear from him for absolutely ages, and got stuck with no job, no money, no man, and two kids to care for. Did she give in? Well, maybe a little bit, but only for a few months. Now, two years later, she is fighting fit, sassy, and absolutely gorgeous.
And another acquaintence, she has two older kids and her marriage was kind of on the rocks. She had another baby, maybe in an attempt to save her marriage. I really couldn't say. But her husband left when the baby was just a few weeks old, and she fell to pieces. But only for a little while. Then she picked up the pieces and got herself together. Now she is dressing all cute, she got her driving license, a new job, and she's so happy.
I think both of these women let themselves go. Then the men in their lives left them. I think there's a reason that you call it "letting yourself go" when you stop caring.
Letting yourself go isn't just about putting on some weight and not doing your hair and make-up. Letting yourself go is about forgetting who you were before you were married with children. It really is letting go of yourself and forgetting all the things that you used to love to do and the friends you used to have. And when you let yourself go, well, it seems like the man in your life lets you go as well.
I used to be totally confident in my marriage to Martin. I know that he loves me, and I know that he loves the kids. But I used to know that he loved me more than anyone else and why on earth wouldn't he? Now, well, I'm starting to be that paranoid woman who is worried that she can't keep her man. I think I've let myself go, and in more than just the physical sense.
So here I am slaving away at the gym at least 4 times a week, trying to re-gain a sense of who I am. Trying to get myself back together BEFORE I lose my man. So I can stay happy and confident and not lose my family. Because the thing is, once these two women's partners left them, they found themselves. They became the women that they were before. I want to become the woman that I was so I can keep my happy marriage and be happy with myself as well.
Not that I am suggesting that Martin and I are struggling. I still adore him, and still think that marrying him is the best thing I ever did. Truth be told, we don't see each other often enough to be struggling. But a few months ago a "friend" of mine suggested that Martin might be straying, and my old neurosis reared it's ugly head. I thought that if she was seeing this, maybe I wasn't crazy for thinking these thoughts after all.
It's not him. It's me. It's always me.
But my gym addiction can't do any harm.