Gilberts' Fridge

It's Back...

It's Saturday morning, and I don't have to be up for another 1/2 hour, but here I am wide awake and typing. Why, do you ask, am I foregoing some much needed beauty sleep? It's because I woke up this morning with a familiar feeling in side, though it took me a long time to realise what it is.

The "longing" is back. Before I had my ectopic pregnancy two years ago (has it really been nearly two years?) I used to feel this way most of the time. My life felt empty and hollow, and I felt like something important was missing. More than anything I wanted to have a baby.

After I discovered I would need to terminate the pregnancy, went through the treatments with the Methotrexate, and was so sick for all that time, the longing went away. For the longest time I didn't even want to consider having a child. I honestly could not have gone through that whole experience again, and didn't even want to take that risk. About six months after I started feeling better from that, I was ready to try again. Mostly because I knew how long it would probably take! But that total desire to have a child has stayed away until now.

In a way I'm kind of relieved that the feeling is back. I guess it means that two years down the line I am fully healed emotionally from the whole experience. In other ways, I am sad to see it back. I know that I will start waking up with a gnawing hunger inside of me that won't go away no matter how much food I eat. I know that I will feel intensely lonely again.

Martin wants to have children, but I don't think he feels it as keenly as I do. I can't explain the desire to anyone. I guess it is a natural urge, to want to further the species, that is born inside every animal on the planet, but there is more to it than that. Last night I was watching Emma read to her daughter, Caitlin. They share this bond that is incredible. I know that Caitlin is annoying sometimes, and she gets so frustrated with her, but I could see that attachment to each other while she read her a bed time story, and it was beautiful. I want that bond with my own child. Mine and Martin's.

In other news, I had my first choir practice as the director on Thursday, and my first massage lesson on Wednesday. Both were good! It was kind of fun to be back in a classroom, and there are some really nice people doing the course. I think I might actually make a few friends, which would be great! And people actually showed up for choir practice! There were 14 people, which is about twice as many as came before! I was so petrified that nobody would show up, and when I walked in to find the choir seats nearly full, I almost cried (you may have noticed that I am a little emotional right now anyway?). Life is going to be incredibly busy for the next little while, but it will be that much better for it I think.

Anyway, time to get ready for the day. Emma and I are going over to the Stake Relief Society Enrichment Activity in Hull, and then we are going bra shopping. Martin is going to work on the house and play footie. Then we are going to town, possibly going to hang out with his matie boys. Busy day!!!