A little perspective

Yesterday was an interesting day.

I did my grocery shopping while Edith was at school, and I was in a bit of a hurry. I'd left Martin home in bed, and I knew he wouldn't get up in time for work if I didn't wake him up.

I made it through Tesco in record time, and picked the checkout line with a mom and her young kid. I figured she'd be in a hurry.

Mistake!

She'd let her son open up a package of pies and eat one, and he'd ripped the bar code up. An employee had to go get a new one so they could scan it through. Then she finally got her total, and she didn't have enough money with her. So she had to take things out of her bags until she had enough cash to pay for her groceries.

I stood behind her, eyes on the clock, getting more and more frustrated. Then I remembered the lesson I'd taught the day before in Relief Society, "Consider the Blessings." And instead of getting angry about the delay, I remembered the times I was in the same situation. And instead of being mad, I felt blessed to have enough money that I was able to fill my shopping trolley up with the things our family needed and not worry about having to put stuff back at the till.

I started my counseling yesterday. It went well, I think. I got a little bit stressed out before my appointment, worrying that I was wasting time and NHS resources. I've managed just fine for all these years, and I wonder if I'm really that bad off. But when I spoke to Debbie (the clinical psychologist) and started opening up to her about things from my (slightly sordid) past, I could see her eyes filling with tears for me. And I knew I wasn't wasting her time, or mine. This is necessary for me. I need to talk about the things that I've kept hidden for so long. I need to understand, to come to terms with my past so that I can move forward.

The main thing that came out of yesterday's appointment is that I am going to go back on Prozac for a little while. The last few weeks have been really hard. I'm not losing my temper with the kids too much, though I have been slightly snappish. I've actually been, ugh, depressed. Like, hiding in my bedroom unable to get out of bed depressed. I wanted to be off the happy drugs, but I'm just not ready yet. The goal is still to not be dependent on chemicals for my happiness, but I need that extra help still. I don't want to go back to how I was before I started taking the meds. That was a bad situation.

Today was a better day, actually. Being stuck in the house has been driving me nuts, so I picked Edith up from school and took her shopping. I had gift vouchers for New Look that I got last year for Christmas, and I spent them. I got some new jeans, a lovely sweater dress, and some accessories. And I only spent £.98 of my own money. Edith is a great shopping buddy--she loves to try on shoes and necklaces. She loves to spend time with me. I hope that never changes.

Basically though, I just decided to have a better day. Sometimes, it really is a question of making that decision.