Joy

Had a lot of that today, and it was much needed.

We got off to a rough start, with Dylan's scissors ban being put back into force. He had strict instructions to only cut paper or he would not be allowed to use scissors in our house again until his fifth birthday (result of Edith's haircut), and I came downstairs this morning to find the shredded remnants of a swimming arm band. So no scissors for Dylan until the 29th of August.

Then there was general naughtiness--Edith disobeying me, Dylan sneaking toys out of the house, etcetera.

But I took the kids to the Pink Pig farm today, and we had such a wonderful time. It was sunny and warm, and we all enjoyed being outside. We went on a tractor ride, saw (and smelled) the pigs, fed the sheep and geese, and played for ages on the adventure playground. I even let Edith go down the zip line on her own, which is a big deal for me. I nearly had a heart attack the first time I let her go, but she loved it. And, better still, she did NOT fall off! Dylan spent absolutely ages playing with the water pump/troughs/sand pit. We all went on the big six-seater swing together. Good, clean fun. And good exercise, too.

I took the kids to McDonalds for a late lunch afterwards. They were well behaved, and very hungry! We played together, ate together, and laughed together all afternoon. And though bed time was hard because they were both very tired, I can honestly say that I enjoyed nearly every minute of my day with my children.

I love being a mother, but it has not been an easy role for me to fill. I look at other women, women who are so nurturing and caring and natural with their children, and I wonder how they manage it. I don't understand how someone can be completely fulfilled by taking care of a husband and kids all day long. It's such hard work, and so often goes unappreciated. There are days when I feel like my children, beautiful and wonderful as they are, are sucking all the life out of me. I love them with all my heart, but I still sometimes resent the ways I've had to change because of them. How can any woman not feel this way? And yet, quite a lot of women don't. I am mystified by them, I admire them, and I hope some day I can be like them.

But in the mean time, I will treasure days like today. Days when motherhood doesn't seem like a burden, but like a real blessing. Because I know that's what it's supposed to be like. And one day like today can make up for a whole lot of bad days. I can hold on to the memory of a day like this one, and use it to get me through the tough times that are always on the horizon for me.

I remember hearing once that true joy isn't about being happy all the time. Joy is the ability to feel things deeply--even the bad things. I can accept that definition, because soul-deep sadness only makes the good times seem that much better. Like my 7th grade home-economics teacher taught us--you have to add a pinch of salt to any sweet dish you make. If you don't, no matter how much sugar you put in, it will never taste sweet enough.