Gilberts' Fridge

On body image…

Another pregnancy related post. Those of you who aren’t interested, stop reading now.

Body image is a complicated thing, and I think it only gets more complicated for a woman during pregnancy.

When you’re a child, you don’t really think much of your body at all. It’s a means of transport, a vehicle that gets you where you want to go. You feed it when it’s hungry, clean it when mom makes you, and basically ignore it unless you are in pain of some kind. And then puberty hits, and this virtually ignored part of you becomes all of you! All of a sudden, you are looking at your body, comparing it to other peoples’ bodies, and wishing to or trying to change it.

So much of a woman’s self-worth is tied up in how her body is perceived—both by herself and by others. Women are supposed to be sexy. A lot of times you judge yourself based on other people’s reaction to your physical appearance.

I struggled with my self confidence when I was first married, because I wasn’t allowed to flirt and meet new men any more. I never was particularly wild where men were concerned, but this was a huge adjustment for me! All of a sudden, I was only allowed to try to attract one man—and one who isn’t very expressive, at that. Without constant reinforcement from members of the opposite sex, my confidence flagged. I adjusted eventually, but it was rough.

Now I’m playing under a whole new set of rules.

My body has ceased to be an object of desire for anyone! I am heavily pregnant, awkward, and uncomfortable. I have never felt less attractive in my life. I don’t even feel pretty, let alone sexy, but somehow this doesn’t matter as much. Right now, I’m not supposed to be sexy at all, yet pregnancy IS sexy to some. My body has become a means of creating new life, and that's a beautiful thing. This new cumbersome body of mine is still attractive to some people. Strangers come up to me and touch my ever expanding belly. They smile their approval and take an interest in my pregnancy. I am heavy and swollen, and I am still attractive to people. This is the strangest feeling!

This pregnancy has also brought out a character flaw that I thought I’d left behind years ago. I am wearing a wedding ring, and I have this smug, self-righteous feeling whenever I see a pregnant woman who is not. I have this little power trip going on and my inner monologue shouts triumphantly, “Ha ha ha, I am doing this the ‘right’ way and you are having an illegitimate child. Knocked up! Knocked up!” I am no better than anyone else who is having a baby—especially over here where the vast majority of couples never marry but stay together longer than a lot of married couples I know. But I FEEL like I’m better than they are, and that in turn makes me feel guilty.

Maybe we can just chalk this one up to strange pregnancy hormones?