With age comes, um, acceptance?

I don't know why I feel compelled to compete with teenagers in the looks department, but I do. 

As part of my committment to myself to do more art, I did some self portraits a few weeks back.  It really made me think about the way I look, since I spent about 40 minutes just staring at myself in the mirror.  And the conclusion is, I like the way my face is ageing.  If I have to get older, this is the way to go.

As a teenager I was horribly insecure about my looks.  I thought I had tiny eyes and a Polish peasant nose.  I thought my freckles were hideous and my coloring just plain and ordinary.  I used to deck myself out in weird clothes and outrageous make-up in an effort to not blend in with the rest of the crowd.  But 15 years or so has changed that.

I don't consider myself to be a total Betty, by any means.  But I have realized that my eyes are NOT tiny.  They just look small compared to the rest of my family (who all have unusually large eyes).  My eyes are a normal size, and they're actually quite a nice color.

My insecurities about my nose came to me courtesy of an ex-boyfriend.  The fact of the matter is, he had a big nose that he was insecure about himself.  And he was a jerk who needed to put me down to make him feel better about himself.  It's a perfectly decent nose!

The English climate has saved me from the typical fate of a desert girl.  I have almost no wrinkles, and my freckles have faded.  Gravity is going to work, but it's actually ok.  Not too fond of what it's doing to my chin, but my eyes are looking good and my cheekbones are a bit more noticeable now.

And as for blending in with the crowd, well, I don't.  It used to be my goth girl make-up or my electric blue eyeliner that made me stand out.  Now it's the fact that I don't go crazy with the make-up that sets me apart in a crowd--especially in this country.  And if I don't stand out, well, so what?  There's nothing wrong with just blending in every once in a while.

I like my face.  I don't mind looking my age (or maybe just a tiny bit younger).  I've come to terms with what I've got, and with what I'm losing (like the fullness of my lips, which happens to everybody as they age).  I've learned to emphasize my favorite features and downplay the ones that aren't so nice.  I've learned not to fight my natural look.  It's much better to just go with it.

And, with acceptance of my faults and recognition of my attributes, comes confidence.  I am beginning to see why a lot of women feel their sexiest in their 30's.  Getting older is actually kind of nice.

But staring at yourself for 40 minutes straight is still kind of scary.  Glad I was just doing my face, and not a full body portrait.  How terrifying, to stare at my body and analyze all the lumps and bumps well enough to draw them all.  Argh!!!