Musical memories...

Have you ever linked an event to music so closely that just hearing a song reduces you to tears?

In September of 2004 I discovered I was pregnant.  We had been "trying" for over two years with no success, so I was thrilled.  Two years doesn't seem like that long, but when you break it down into individual blocks of 28-35 days, that's a lot of heartache and disappointment.  From the moment I saw those two lines on the home pregnancy test, I was having a baby.  A much loved and anticipated baby.

Well, most of you know that I don't have a 5 year old.  When I went to see my OB-Gyn, he did an ultrasound.  I had no idea how far along I might be, so he wanted to use the scan to determine my due date.  Imagine our surprise when my womb was empty but there was a large mass on my fallopian tube.  Imagine.

Rather than perform surgery, my doctor encouraged me to have a chemical termination.  I went in to a cancer clinic two days later and had methotrexate injections.  Then I went home and cried myself to sleep and waited for my body to start aborting my baby.

Several weeks passed, and Martin and I came to England to visit his family for Christmas.  While we were here, I heard this song:



("F word" alert, for all the sensitive and those reading my blog with young children in the room.)

You have to listed to the whole album to get the back story.  But the chorus just kept echoing in my mind.  Over and over, I heard "It's the end of something I did not want to end.  The beginning of hard times to come.  But something that was not meant to be is done, and this is the start of what was."

I was listening to the Streets yesterday while Martin took the kids to Dads' Group.  I was up to my elbows in dirty dish water, scrubbing brush in hand, when this song came on.  It all came back to me so powerfully, and I wept.

I grieved for a long time over that baby who was not meant to be.  But that little life that never quite made it brought us to England.  And even though I'm ready to come home now, this is where we were meant to be.  So many good things have happened to us here, and I wouldn't change a thing even if I could..