I went for a little walk last night after the kids were in bed. I watched the sun setting on the Humber Bridge while the tide came in. It was beautiful, and I actually had some quiet time to myself to think. It was the first time I had been out of the house all day.
I am losing myself to my children. My wants and needs and interests are being swallowed up in caring for them. I am so busy making sure they have what they need that the things I need take second place. I will be doing this, willingly, for the next 18+ years. And then they will leave, and I will have nothing!
I look at my mother-in-law, the saintly Christine. She is really busy. She has W.I. and flower club, parchment classes, she is a church warden and involved with the elderly in her community. She is a woman who gave up everything for her children, and is now desperately cramming her life as full of things as she can. Kids left, and left a gaping hole when they moved out. She's rushed to fill it.
Being a mother is EVERYTHING that I am at the minute. What will be left when my babies are grown and gone? They are taking me away--sucking me dry, and not even noticing it. They will drain me of all my ambitions and dreams and leave me just when they start to give back.
I'm sure I did it to my mother as well.
I'm sorry mom! If it makes you feel better, I appreciate it now.
2 comments:
jamie i know how you feel if you are massage lady try and get in to a shop where you can rent or something so you can get out for a while even it just for 2 or 3 hours so you can have me time..just me something so little helps a ton..keep ur chin up:)
I had that revelation a few years ago. I felt terribly dejected and not sure who I was anymore. Now I am happier and filling my days with things that I enjoy: book club, bakign for people (and getting paid for it), girls night in every Thursday with a few good friends. It's better now, but there are still so many things that I have given up for now and I miss terribly: art, singing (church choir practice is help at 5 pm, not doable for me), writing. Hopefully I will get to have those things back someday, and I hope that I don't lose my talent for them.
I wouldn't trade motherhood to have it all back today though. They are growing so fast. Kevin is 10--only a year and a half away from being in Young Men, Shaylee is 7 going on 17 and Ashlee at 2.5 is wise beyond her years and wants to be just as grown up as the other two. What will I do when they are gone?
Sorry so long. Your post got me thinkign again. . .
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